Yep. It has been tough. With all my new expenses (moving to my first apartment and so on), I’ve been a little crazy, a little depressed, a litlle torn apart between too much to do, to pay, to be responsible for… but it’s so worth it.
I had a thousand one expectations about moving (finally!) to my first home, and reality is always very different, and just exactly what I need right now.
I’ve been thinking about how to describe these first two months — almost three! — of living by myself, and I can’t find what to say.
So, I decided to write without thinking too much:
- Living by myself, I learn how to love even deeper the process.
I’m very goal oriented and I love the thrill of beginning new projects.
But I hate the process. I find it boring, sacrificial, endless, pointless, claustrophobic, tangled, lonely… and I feel afraid I’ll never.get.there.
I’m 35 right now and if I don’t learn how to love processes in life by that age, I don’t know if I can survive much time.
Because Life is Process, isn’t it?
So, I’ve moved to my apartment and had to be used to the fact that I can’t have all the furniture I want — and need — when I want and need it. I’ve gained my sofa this week (courtesy of my parents). It’s a tiny old sofa my parents weren’t using and I’ll paint it and find new, colorful cushions to embellish it. It’s going to be beautiful. I can’t promise photos because…
I’m still with no smartphone for now.
I have no stove. I have an electrical oven and yesterday I’ve got my electrical kettle. I’ll buy my stove next month. I always wanted to have everything electrical in my house, because I hate the idea of having gas in it. So, I’m going step by step to have my house the way I want it to be. I’m trusting the process.
I also don’t have a kitchen cabinet, so, I’m storing my groceries and kitchen utensils in my closet. It’s awful, but it’s what I can do for now.
My washmachine doens’t wash anything. I have to wash all my clothes by hand, and then I put it in the machine only to rinse. It’s not automatic, so, I have to fill it with water, and then throw the water away, manually, twice. It’s somehing … indescribable.
I wanted to save some money on the washmachine, so, I bought a cheaper one. But it wasn’t that cheap, considering it gives me a lot of hard work only to rinse the clothes. Anyway, don’t do as I did when moving, buy yourself a wonderful, professional washmachine.
2. Yes, I can.
I think that maybe, the biggest breakthrough I’ve got from moving is that I finally convinced myself that I can make it.
I can make it. I can sustain myself. That’s what I’ve been doing for almost three months now, and it has been working. Sometimes, I don’t even believe it. And other times, I think: “how could it be different? Of course I can sustain myself, everybody can do this”.
I have my divine spark and so have you. We can — each — sustain ourselves. We don’t need our parents, our boyfriends/girlfriends, our friends, parents, charity, the Government, the church, religion, anything, to do this for us.
I’m not saying you should isolate yourself. But you can live the way you want. No matter if you’re a woman, not married, or “too young”, or “too old”, or depressed, or anxious, or poor, or too rich (to let go of your family wealth), or anything. You can do this.
3. I should trust more in myself.
That’s a natural complement of the paragraph above. Last night, I was reading my old journals and there were many pages where I wrote “I’d love to move. But I can’t. I don’t have XXXX things to do it”.
Guess what? I was laughing while reading it. Seems like I have everything I need.
I don’t live in luxury, but I’m not that bad either. It’s an old, not pretty, building, I have not enough furniture or appliances, BUT, I’m the boss 😀
4. I’m learning how to care more.
Living alone and paying all the expenses associated with it, I’ve became much more aware of the hardships other people get through. I’m much less self-centered, although I do have much more to evolve in this area.
It’s not easy for anyone. I’m not special. Why should it be easier to me?
However, it’s doable, and I’d rather have my hardships than fear away from real life.
5. I’m happy about the future.
Yes, sometimes I catch myself singing melodic songs, smiling at no reason, like if I was in love. And I think I’m in love. With my life. I feel optimist again, and it has been a while.
I’ve been more real, and much more confident in myself and thus in others, in God and in life.
Wow. Seems like moving was my best move in many years. It’s true. When I look back I think I should have done it before. But was I prepared for it? I think not. So, now is the moment to be thankful and to go deeper, and to trust the process.
Dream and go for it!