It was my best réveillon in many years.
The Holidays are never easy to me, and to a lot of people, because of so many emotions that pop up and so many stresses that make us feel puzzled/anxious instead of happy. And there is this “pressure” to be happy during the Holidays. Or, at least, to pretend that you are happy.
I can’t complain, tough. It was an incredible evening, with many minutes of firework at the sea, hundreds of people saluting new year at the sand, the water in my toes, good food, family and friends. I have been more and more hopeful that my complications in life are clearing. Like the sun cleares the sky when it rises.
This beach is very important to me and I am happy to feel welcomed by it again, after a painful period of separation. I could do many things of my summer pleasure list: swimming, “go to the beach walk barefoot on the sand”, bath in the sea, salute the sun outdoors, outdoor yoga, eat a popsicle (many), and “Sweat, sweat, sweat”, specially because, today, 1st january 2014, I have done my 108 sun salutations again.
And again, I thought I would die of exhaustion. Or that I couldn’t do it, but I did it. again! I have been preparing myself for this day the whole year of 2013. Every morning, I practice 12 sun saltutions as a way (also) to build strenght, so that my annual 108 SS do not kill me. But I’m almost sure that at some point, my brain was melting o.O
Well, I am alive, and almost without pain! Just a little bit of ache in my shoulders. It’s said that to practice 108 sun salutions during the first day of the year is auspicious. And I want this year to be wonderful.
The food was amazing. There was cheesecake with strawberry sauce, “dulce de leche” panettone, cake, “brigadeiros” (made with condensed milk and chocolat, or coconut, or nuts), shrimps in coconut milk, tabule and salad. Everything was so fresh and tasty, and beautiful. I felt very blessed.
My mother is still very scared and sad because her father is still at the hospital, but I think she could also enjoy it. I’m letting go of what I “want” and instead am practicing acceptance. I want to let go of the way I think life “should be” and enjoy what life has reserved to me instead.
I remember when my niece was about to be born. I am a very romantic person, and I had a thousand little dreams about how she would look like, how would be her personality, the color of her hair, her preferences and so on. I was flooded with “inspirations” about the tiniest details of how she would be, and how she would grow up, and how our relationship would look like. I had even an exclusive journal to write about it, my emotions during my sister’s pregancy, and where I could write some poems and musics that I related to her arrival.
When she arrived tough, everything was different. The moment she was out my sister’s womb (I was in the surgery room), I knew she would be different. And the more she grows, the more she is absolutely different from my “daydreaming”.
My sister was very blonde when she was a baby, and me and my sisters have a very straight hair. My niece has curly and dark hair. She is very strong and fiery, and at the same time, very tender and sweet. She is by all means different from what I thought she would be. There was a moment when I was upset because of it. But it was a brief moment. Now, I find my “dreams” about her so cheesy, and this “real” thing so much better. She is who she is, a unique personality, and I love to get to know her more and more.
She also taught me how to let go of my attachement for what I “dream of”, so that I can really live.
I am practicing this also with other areas in my life. So that life keeps surprising me, because it knows better. This is specifically important this time of the year, when we are making so many plans. I have been practicing breathing. Letting go, accepting, because everything can change in a moment, I am letting go of control. It is scary, but the only way to experience life outside my small circle, where all I can do is daydream. About a life or things/people that only “exist” in my imagination.
I am wishing you and your family a delightful 2014. Thank you for being with me in 2013 🙂