My 3rd chakra is opening. I’m standing up for myself more often (all the time, by the way, it has been a whole new world to me), and trying to find a sense of identity.
It’s such an important chakra. I can’t imagine how i’ve been walking around with a closed 3rd chakra for 33 years.
Last week, I had three days of intense abdominal pain, right after the birthday party of my niece. I wanted to be a better person to her. It struck me that there were so little people at her party. My social phobia suddenly made me feel how poor life can become without significant people in our lives.
I know there were not many people because the party was during the week, and people work, and because my sister prefered a small event, but it struck me how I didn’t WANT more people there. And although it seemed more “comfortable” it was just about 8 people there, a huge part of me was in shock.
I want my niece to have bursting, happy birthday parties. Many gifts, and sparkles, and spontaneous hommages to her. Love flowing from everywhere, to her. Not to be alone at her birthdays, just like me. That’s not what I want for her, and I realized that, by living it myself, that’s also what I’m offering to her.
If I ever have children, how will their parties be?
I know it’s not the amount of people that makes a party to be good, but of course I also understand that if your parents and siblings and your cats are the only guests in your parties for years, something is going on.
And it’s not because people don’t want to come to see me at my birthday, it’s that I don’t want to see them. Gosh, I’m a lonely.
I can live with this, but I can’t stand “replicating” this pattern to people I love.
I think I don’t love myself. Deeply. I don’t.
It’s like if “I don’t care”.
That fills me with shame!
I crave people in my life. People calling me, and asking if I want to go to the movies, or to dance, or to the mall. People calling to talk about their lives, and to ask about mine. That’s accountability!
My whole life, having people in my circle was kind of a struggle. I had to make an effort to be there, to have many conversations, even to be quiet and still, there was always this inner “taming” going on inside. It was like if I had a choice to make each moment, between validating the external or the internal, and I never chosed my inner world. Too much noise. I had to shut down my truth many times, and scream other people’s truth out loud. And to hide inside, being someone I was not. It was hard work, and it was leading me to the wrong place in my path.
I only thrive in freedom. That’s for sure.
But loneliness is not freedom.
Girlfriends, and relatives, and neighboors, and co-workers, and people who have a crush on you (or vice-versa), this social web that surrounds us, in which we navigate. I restrained it and I keep it so. Nobody new comes in.
I was numb, and it didn’t bother me anymore, until I saw my niece’s party.
I was outraged by this part of me that wanted everyone OUT! And that wanted it to be just me, her, my sister and my mother. No one else allowed.
It hurted me so deeply that I cry now, while I write this.
During the whole process, just one word was popping out in my mind:
This is like the homeless state. Social and emotional misery. How can I live like this?
And I just didn’t want to go to the party, because there would be … err, people, there. People I don’t know, and I’d be anxious.
So, the next day after the party, I got ill. The awareness of it struck me right at my stomach. It was a punch. I had diarheia and stomach pain for 3 days in a row. And then, my 3rd chakra opened.
What does it take for me to have people again in my life?
Because I’m in to do it. What it takes.
I’m dying to open my brave heart.
I know I will!
(there’s no namaste today. I’m grumpy).